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How Can I Get Through To You?, by Terrence Real
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Why is love between men and women so difficult? In this groundbreaking new audiobook, bestselling author Terrence Real analyzes the crisis in intimate relations, a crisis that has lasted over a generation, yielding divorce rates of 40-50%. Our culture prepares us to fall in love, but it does not give us the skills we need to stay in love. Here Real offers a radical new vision of love and the practical tools with which to achieve it.
The current crisis is a product of changing gender roles. In the last generation, women's roles have changed radically and men's have not. For the first time, women are insisting that their partners access the very skills -- emotional sensitivity, expressiveness, responsibility -- that most men have had stamped out of them as boys. Patriarchal culture does not raise boys to be intimate; it raises them to be competitive performers. At the same time, girls are taught to be compliant and accommodating. The result is that men feel bewildered and unappreciated while women feel unheard and resentful. Conventional therapy, which reinforces "traditional" male roles, has failed. The demand for intimacy in marriage must be met with new skills.
Real draws on myth, literature, film, and stories of the men and women he treats to illustrate his compelling analysis. Breaking taboos about love, marriage, and passion, Real not only reconstructs gender roles but also shows that patriarchy's idealized model of love is impossibly flawed. He teaches partners to replace it with a love that acknowledges imperfections and then provides five Core Relational Skills designed to help every couple reach their full potential. How Can I Get Through to You? is the audiobook that every couple has been waiting for -- and our culture needs.
- Sales Rank: #6138445 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Simon Schuster Audio
- Published on: 2002-01-01
- Formats: Abridged, Audiobook
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 2
- Dimensions: 4.24" h x 1.09" w x 7.04" l,
- Running time: 16200 seconds
- Binding: Audio Cassette
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
"Conventional therapy has failed most couples," Real writes, and with over 20 years of marriage and family counseling experience, he's qualified to judge. Though traditional marital counseling has been prevalent for 30 years, divorce rates remain the same, and studies show that counseling has no lasting effect on either marital satisfaction or endurance. The author of I Don't Want to Talk About It, the national bestseller on male depression, Real is attuned to the characteristics of contemporary marriages and demonstrates insight into both male and female perspectives. The fundamental problem, he argues, is American culture's deeply entrenched "psychological patriarchy," which devalues all things feminine (including healthy relationships) and wounds males at an early age by disconnecting them from themselves and others. Men can't relate, and women can't teach them how ("If a wife truly demands that her emotional needs be met, she may indeed put her marriage on the line"). Counseling, too, fails them both in a "collusion of silence" as to what's really wrong. Real's alternative is "relational recovery." Identifying a healthy marriage as one following the repeated pattern of "harmony, disharmony, and restoration," Real teaches five skills for accomplishing the crucial, ongoing task of repair: holding the relationship in high regard, preserving intimacy and relational (i.e., authentically connected) speaking, listening and negotiating. With numerous scenes from his therapy sessions including quarrels most married couples will recognize Real deftly shows readers how to transcend "our culture's anti-relational bias" and move "out of patriarchy into healthy relatedness." This is a well-balanced and exciting new addition to the marriage-manual genre. Agent, Beth Vesel. (Jan.)Forecast: This breakthrough handbook should cause a stir in the marriage guidance field, with its acknowledgement of counseling's failings and exposing of what Real considers unhealthy fundamental American cultural values.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Two veteran family therapists have each written an excellent book on communication between partners. The author of I Don't Want To Talk About It, Real analyzes the reasons why men and women don't speak the same emotional language: boys' emotional relationships are squelched early on by peers, siblings, and fathers, whereas women learn to accommodate. Written with couples' therapy dramatizations, Real's book demonstrates his five relational skills: how to hold the relationship in regard, how to speak, how to listen, how to negotiate, and how to stay on course. Real, who is often called upon to arbitrate between couples as a last resort, is excellent at showing how couples can uncover hidden issues from the past and begin healing. The author of How To SayR It to Your Kids, Coleman takes a workbook approach to marriage therapy. He opens with six questions to which the couple must answer "happy" or "unhappy." He then explains his GIFTS technique in conversations: be Gentle, fix arguments with In-flight repairs, Find hidden concerns, use Teamwork, and reassure with Supportive comments. Each chapter begins with a scenario and continues with short tips under the "Have you heard?" heading, followed by "How to say it" and "How not to say it" and ending with "How to say it to yourself." Since chapter layouts are the same, the reader can easily pick out a problem area and read the two- to three-page chapter. Some topics include encouraging more conversation, rigid vs. flexible personalities, pregnancy, and cybersex. As popular marriage therapy manuals, these books are both suitable for public libraries and medical collections. The Coleman title is easier to use for a quick "fix," but Real's theories about men and women and how to take care of a marriage, though challenging, may prove more fruitful. Lisa Wise, Broome Cty. P.L., Binghamton, NY
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
Cheryl Richardson author of Take Time for Your Life and Life Makeovers How Can I Get Through to You? is not a Band-Aid, it's a revolution -- a poignant and masterful guide that will heal our loneliness and isolation by empowering us to reawaken the natural state of closeness we all long for....I strongly urge you to read this life-changing book.
Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Changed my marriage for the better. This book should be thought of as a ...
By wlc75
Changed my marriage for the better. This book should be thought of as a reference tool. Don't read it once and then put away. Refresh your memory often.
17 of 18 people found the following review helpful.
On the verge of divorce? Read this first.
By A Customer
Before you leave an unhappy marriage, you MUST read this book. It helped me understand so many more things about the terrible deadlocks people get into in relationships. I've never read anything like it. With the new way the author helps you "see" the relationship interactions, if you stay you won't be resentful, and if you go, at least you'll know why instead of being lost in a swirl of hurt and anger. Either way, you may feel like you truly understand even your multi-decade marriage for the very first time.
22 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
Well written and insightful - best purchase I've made in yrs
By Shannon
I picked up this book right after starting therapy for depression which has plagued me most of my life. I wanted help in finding a way to reconnect to my husband so we could both benefit as much as possible from therapy.
First of all, I was surprised to find this 'self-help book' to be a real page turner. This book isn't only insightful, it's masterfully written with wonderful imagery that pulls you into the stories of Terry's clients and his own life. The book doesn't just tell you how to fix your problems, it provides characters and situations you can relate to.
This book provided so much more than I'd expected. Though it didn't give simple solutions to my particular relationship problems, it opened my mind to HOW relationships and our society work. I don't think you should pick up this book expecting an easy answer to getting through to your man. It simply gives you the tools to look at your relationship differently, and understand how our culture has crippled men's ability to relate to others emotionally.
Unlike some of the reviews I've read, I didn't find this book to be 'man bashing' at all. I wonder if those who thought of it that way even finished the book. Terry simply addresses the fact that men have learned to shut off their emotions as a defence against our culture's expectations while women are expected to learn to deal with emotional situations such as relationships. After reading this book, I immediately felt more forgiving and understanding of the men in my life and the harsh realities they're faced with. I no longer felt the need to blame my husband for the difficulty he often has relating to me emotionally, and that to 'get through' to him, I'm the one who has to change my approach rather than expecting HIM to change.
After finishing this book, I immediately picked up Terry's first book, "I Don't Want to Talk About It" which is just as good, if not better. Even if it's focused on depression in men, I found it to be a very helpful tool in dealing with my emotional problems as well. I highly recommend both.
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